We decided on twelve weekly treatments of Taxol and Herceptin. I couldn't believe I was actually starting chemotherapy. I'm fairly content with the decision to do only Taxol and Herceptin. It makes sense. Doing it weekly means that I will receive less drug each week instead of a triple dose every three weeks. My oncologist feels that I won't really have "down" days.
With this whole experience, it really takes a human to be able to walk into surgery or walk into chemotherapy and know that you will be hurt, or get sick, but also know that these steps might just save your life. It's a very strange concept.
Preparing for the first chemo was really hard. I had weaned off the first breast for surgery. Now I needed to step back production again. Because my daughter was no longer a baby, we could talk about everything. While she heard that I would be getting a medicine that would not be safe for her, that didn't mean that she really understood and could just let go of nursing. It's ironic, she had enjoyed sucking her thumb and nursing up until the age of 2 when I could easily discourage her from sucking her thumb. Now at 2 3/4, I was reminding her that she used to suck her thumb and she might like to do it again.
We had a last nursing, but really our last nursing without timelines and thoughts of drugs and surgeries happened long ago. As we drove to the hospital, I cried, because again, things were out of my control in my life and with my children and I wished it wasn't so.